Admiration

Admiration/ I saw myself for the first time
I admire your courage

To face unfaceables 

I admire your strength 

To keep going

I commend you on getting back to you

No longer being a wanderer

The ability to stand up tall

Entering into your greatness

The ins and the outs

I admire you for not giving up

——————————————
Last night I saw myself for the first time

I looked in the bathroom mirror

And saw my own reflection

And I smiled

I was beautiful 

Never seen a me like that before

The blindfold was off

Released from everything I once knew to be true

I was beautiful

Stripped away from agony I keep myself in

I was beautiful

I smiled

When I saw myself for the first time

Mind was unclogged from longing thoughts

I felt like the butterfly tattooed on my back

Representative of freedom within self

I saw myself for the first time

And I was beautiful

Not only outwardly

But my inside was revealed

Slowly. Unfolding. In. My. Reflection.

Unwrapping in front of me

Releasing herself to me

I was beautiful

Tapping me on my shoulder saying “it’s time”

I was beautiful

All of my inner strength whispered to me

My hopes drawing on my faith

My fears fleeing from my eyes

Courage taking me by the hand

Patience covering me with its blanket

I saw myself for the first time

And I knew and saw what everyone else sees 

I was beautiful 

I am beautiful. 

Shadows in the night…

I wish I could quiet my thoughts… not all of them… just the ones that tell me I’m unworthy…they are louder than normal today.. see I just was in this high… a natural one… feeling good and great.. feeling inspired to pursue me… but in the stillness… those not so nice ones get loud… it’s like they know that I was filled with happy feelings and they crept on in to knock me down on my face… but here I am… in resistance… because I deserve the happier version of me… I deserve the ability to acknowledge my desire to love me more and express feelings of joy and movement to a better version of me…so I am asking nicely… more so praying for those thoughts to dissipate into thin air and allow the very gangsta in me to shine for once! 

Channeling

I need to channel
My inner Janet, Jill, Erykah, Lalah…
See they are my sistas in my head
They embody a version of me
That I hope to see..
One day..
They embody a confidence that is
Inspiring
Their smiles can bring men
To their knees
They walk with poise and
Have a spiritual awareness that
Opens the doors to many truths
They each
Are Queens
In their own right, own destiny
And that is whom I hope to be
Queen..
Cause walking in destiny
Is fulfilling
And in order to see my light
I need to be comfortable seeing me
Yes those women are great…
But I, too, sing greatness…
I, too, sing confidence…
Hoping, one day
Confidence will bestow itself
Upon me
So in channeling
These women of great
I have to aspire to be a
Fresher version of me
So that together
Empowerment becomes esteem
Not in competition
But collaboration
#TeamQueen
It’s time for me to
Do better…
And start channeling
My own being…

Sleepless Conversations with God pt. 3

Hey God, it’s me again.
I know there have been moments
When I have been less than..
At least in my eyes..
I need to revise the ways of my
Life..
Living
Cause in this moment
During this conversation…
I am empty…
I feel empty…
Like I have nothing left to give…
But I know that I am more..
With you…
This emptiness plagues me
Because I was doing some
Worldly living…
Not living up to my full potential
And now
I feel empty
Empty and hurt
In pain..
Questioning my own self…
How I’d end up here…
Again..
Shit faced wondering
Why I allowed that event to take place
Down on my knees
Asking you, God, to forgive me
Please.
Loving men who
Never were to love me
Providing them the key
To the secret and sacred parts of me..
So here I am.. again..God
Seeking your clarity..
Asking for your guidance
To remove this emptiness
Within me…
Remove this desolate and destitute
Feeling…
Fill me with
More. Of. You.
More of you…
Allow me to see me how you see me
Without the validation
Of any…
Help me to stand in my truth
And Live. Out. Loud..
All the while…
While overstanding in you.
Loving you freely
And you show me
How to unapologetically love me..
In a more healthy way
Freeing myself of all those
Who mean harm to me…
Those who are spiritually empty..
God please fill me…
Pour your abundance of everlasting  love
Within me
Shower me with the evidence of your truths about me
Cleanse me
Drench me in your forgiveness
While allowing me to forgive myself…
Remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made..
In your image
That I am to be a virtuous woman
Walking in the virtue that is
Only God given.
Open my eyes to that…
Release me from the fear that plagues me..
The fear that destroys…
The constant bad decision making…
And Lord help me to be a better
Reflection of you..
And your grace..
This is what I pray..
My prayer on this day..
And I thank you!
In your name,
Amen

Weight Loss Chronicles

It has been a while since I have written about my weight loss journey. So here is whats new… I have made some clear cut goals for October. So far, I am on track.  I weighed myself this morning and I damn near broke down in tears. I was so excited because I have gotten down to a weight I have not been in over a year. And I plan to keep on releasing the weight. I am using Weight Watchers to help me stay on track with my eating. I am also being more aware of my portion sizes. Lastly,  on yesterday I decided to put myself first. For so long, I put others needs and wants before my own… that shit is stressful.. so I decided to just focus on me, worry about me… put me first. ‘Cause aint notbody else gonna do it for me. And I cant be a service to anyone if I am not right with me.
Im gonna go workout now!

Blessings!
J

Realizations

I am happy.
I am free.
I feel sexy
I am Queen.
Fly like a dove
I am serene.
Aint no other
Can ever be me.