Thoughts

If I am honest with myself… I am tired of looking, searching, figuring out, waiting… for love. I’m trying to see it before it happens, but right now my vision is a little weary. Tired of the disappointment and constant frustration of.. yet another one biting the dust.. tired of insincerity and false promises from those who never have the intention of staying around. Clearly my picker is wrong… cause I often think I am difficult to love or something. I know I have my qualms and my issues but this can’t be life. Tired of emotionally empty nights spent next to men who don’t wanna treat me right. Tired of giving pieces of my heart on the hopes of flying on the wings of love. I’m just tired. At the verge of… giving up.. I just want the one who is meant for me.. where he at?

Advertisement

See it before you see it

Tonight I listened to one of my favorite singer and musicians Avery Sunshine. I LOVE her so much and she is a great inspiration to me. She shared a song that she wrote before she met her husband who is also awesome. As she was introducing the song, she stated for those who are looking for love 🙌🏽(me) you gotta see it before you see it. That spoke to me. Saturday, May 2nd is my 35th birthday. I had hoped to be married and popping by now but other plans and life happens. However, no matter how many disappointments I encounter with dating and relationships, I still believe and desire love. I believe that love is for me. I believe marriage is for me. So I will take Avery’s testimony and word of wisdom and see it now while continuing in prayer over my future forever boo. I have written plenty of poems about love. But never one that truly speaks what I see into existence. Well.. maybe one. I am emotionally writing this message but y’all get the gist. Gotta see it before I see it. Speak life into it. Speak it and will it into existence.

Strange Chemistry

We. Are. Strange.

Unique.

Weird.

Quirky.

Awkward.

See around him

I become this different version of me

Shy but open

Slightly off but always on

He incites a special part of me

That very few get to see

He opens me up to new ideas

New ways of thinking

He enlightens me

Got me over here contemplating life and

Thangs

Got the nerve to have me

Creating poetry about

A we..

And I don’t even know if that is to be..

But

He moves me

Mentally and spiritually

Opening my being

Allowing my essence to

Be free

Breathe. Out. Loud.

Blooming

From the way he

Holds me

Safe and sound

I wanna quiet the sound of

Outside noise

That makes me want to doubt

Question his intentions

And run..

Cause

This man is special

Black and proud

Gifted and talented

A man of character

A revolution in himself

He is…

Different

He tickles my fancy

And make my spidey senses tingle

And When he hugs me

Peace captures me in its grasp

Got me hoping and praying

That this grows

Into this strangely beautiful

And special..

Entity..

For he is a happy place

For me

He is friend and lover

Mover and shaker

And we get to eat delicious food

Together

Listen to different genres of grooves

Together..

We. Are. Strange

We have this magical

Yet beautifully strange chemistry

We have similarities but differences of plenty

And although we are different

When we come together…

Serenity

I can’t explain it

Don’t really understand it

We just strange

Unique.

Weird

Quirky

Awkward.

And it’s beautiful.

Fear pt. 1

There are parts of me

That want to scream

Out. Loud.

I love you…

But I can’t, I won’t,

Because it’s not what I want to do right now…

Surrounded by memories of

Past loves and

Frankly, baby,

I’m tired

Exhausted for the giving of myself

On this notion that

They. Were. Love..

They were, but just not with me..

You see…

I have many years

And many tears

That have created their own wall of

Caution around my heart

And even though

You are built to last

You are an unexpected blessing

And I enjoy every second with you

I refuse to

Say those words again

Cause I’m tired.

And I’m terrified…

so although I want to

Scream out loud

I love you,

I won’t.

Love After Love

I sometimes find it difficult to

Believe in love after love

Because

Time after time

I have tried

And failed

This last time damn near broke me

Pain felt

Unimaginably

Suffering in the silence of

What I thought could be

But it couldn’t

And it wouldn’t

So I cried

Many nights to myself

Wondering if there was something

I could have done differently

Truth is

Yea… but the end result most likely

Would have been the same

I do not hate or regret

I cherish and reflect

Because I gave love

It was honest and true

And it helped me to grow

Into another version of beautiful

Learned life lessons that I can apply

Whenever I decide to try

Again

And no matter what

No matter how difficult

I will believe in

Love after love…

Fin

Newness

i must admit..

i havent smiled.. like this..

in quite some time..

your energy

wraps around me

pulling me..

soo into you..

this new found..

this.. willingness to..

be open..

this..

ability..

to share with you..

secret things..

and you not.. judge me.

got me rethinking..some things.

cuz once upon a time..

i said..

i would never..

allow another to

get this close to me..

again.. breaking down..

all barriers.

getting deep beneath my skin..

you did that.

how..

i dont know.

but.. i dont mind..

its almost like.

u appeared..

just in the nick of time.

and i am tho.rough.ly..

enjoying..

these..

moments.. of…us..

these… moments of..

gaining trust..

these.. moments..

i wouldnt want to share them with anyone else..

thank you…

for..

the continued..

smiles.

Dope

My hope is to inspire

Love you past the point of where your pain begins and

Erase all evidence of it

The pain

See, I’ve felt pain unimaginable..

So I know what it feels like to

Love and lose

But I ask you, did you really lose if they weren’t for you

Anyway…

So open up to me…

Allow my kisses to move your beast

Let my hugs bring you daily afternoon smiles

And allow my touch to heal you

The words I speak from my mouth

May they ring truth upon your ears

For this is clear

I, I do love you. ..

I love you beyond these words I speak and sing…

I love you farther than the thought of invisibility…

You are king

So I treat you in that light…

Loving you is so tight

Dope…

It’s real and fresh

It’s this beautiful independent

Function of me

No need for thought or questioning

I just do it

Authentically automatic..

Loving you is a sign from God

That I am alive

That blood still runs through my veins

And pain no longer remains…

That I no longer have an arrhythmia of my heart

My lungs are no longer consumed with water from drowning in sorrow and tears..

Loving you erases my fears…

You enlighten and encourage me

Loving you has transformed my mental and spiritual being…

It has opened me up to believe in me…

It moves me to be a blessing to others

To walk in selflessness

To walk in the Light that God has blessed me with

Loving you has allowed me to see again

To release myself from the fortitude of darkness and free myself to light

To shine beyond the capacity of galaxial stars…

Loving you is an extension of loving myself

For you daily provide me with

All that I have desired over time

Friendship that exceeds limitations…

And complete acceptance of my being

You are inspiration

So my hope is to inspire

To move and breathe love

To create a new definition of

Love action…

Because loving you…

Is so dope…

That’s all I wanted to say…

Today, I love me more

Today I love me more

I love me when I am hardest to love

Often feeling undesirable and undeserving

I would tend to try to please

But that just took away from my being

Giving too much of my energy away for free

Today I love me more

Choosing me in each and every way

No longer afraid to speak up

Sharing what’s on my mind’s eye

giving me the best that I got

for I now know that I am enough

And regardless of hurts, pains, disappointments..

I am worthy of love

Today I love me more

Filled with love granted to me by God himself

He created me in His image

So how dare I not like what I see

In His reflection

Quieting out voices of

Those who never saw me

Those who were fighting with their own demons

No longer accepting

Others pains as the definition of me

Today I’m loving me more

Living the life that God has granted me

Walking into the Favor God has placed

On my life

No longer afraid to allow

My inner light

To illuminate the sky around me

Casting out darkness

And walking with my head held high

Lifted

Shining bright

Because my life is worth living

Today, I love me more…

Acknowledging my own dopeness

Being proud of it

‘Cause honestly, I know that I am

Lit

I am dope

I am Queen

Dare I say, I’m the shiiiiit

So, today, I love me more

And that’s just the way it is..

Untitled

I am not a perfect soul

It seems imperfections in my middle name

And I do not claim

To know everything about this thing called love

But what I do know is that I am willing to

No longer allow the pain of

Past love’s, well past hurts to

Keep me from

An incredible

Love

I no longer want to hold on to pains endless story

That keeps me in tears and sorrow

No longer accepting less than I deserve

Because

The pain isn’t worth living life in fear

and walking away from love’s knock at the door..

with each passing day the knocks grow louder

And desire…

Consumes my being

I am not perfect..

And though past lovers left their scorned scents underneath my skin

I no longer will pretend that I do not

Desire love’s fresh fragrance again..

Therefore, I will allow myself to be open

Wide open with arms stretched out…

My face painted with a smile

Welcoming the enduring and purity of love’s new beginnings..